Everybody and their grandmother seems to be hot in the pants (and not just from crotch-searing metal-encased Macbook Pros) over the expected announcement of Apple’s new tablet next Tuesday. I have a lifelong gadget fetish, and since falling in love with a Mac-addict my hard-line stance on Apple has softened, but as much as I want to be excited I just can’t picture what the iSlate will do that’s worth getting sweaty about.

Since I don’t have the upwards of $1,000 it’s likely to cost (well, I do but it’s aimed at building a new desktop in the near future) I am embracing my inner Apple-humbug and consoling myself with reminders that the device won’t be life-altering enough to tackle the following:

1. Do my taxes
2. Clean the litterbox
3. Refill my gin and tonic
4. Share my sense of outrage over the cancellation of yet another awesome Joss Whedon series
5. Rub my back
6. Allow me to work from home
7. Slap anybody having a serious discussion about elven facial hair

Find me a gadget that does all of that and I will marry it in Guam.