Everybody and their grandmother seems to be hot in the pants (and not just from crotch-searing metal-encased Macbook Pros) over the expected announcement of Apple’s new tablet next Tuesday. I have a lifelong gadget fetish, and since falling in love with a Mac-addict my hard-line stance on Apple has softened, but as much as I want to be excited I just can’t picture what the iSlate will do that’s worth getting sweaty about.

Since I don’t have the upwards of $1,000 it’s likely to cost (well, I do but it’s aimed at building a new desktop in the near future) I am embracing my inner Apple-humbug and consoling myself with reminders that the device won’t be life-altering enough to tackle the following:

1. Do my taxes
2. Clean the litterbox
3. Refill my gin and tonic
4. Share my sense of outrage over the cancellation of yet another awesome Joss Whedon series
5. Rub my back
6. Allow me to work from home
7. Slap anybody having a serious discussion about elven facial hair

Find me a gadget that does all of that and I will marry it in Guam.

I’ve been feeling pretty unhappy lately, so to cheer myself up I thought I’d look at the world around me and remind myself that I am not the only truly awesome part of life.

So in no particular order (because really, sorting awesomeness of this magnitude is open to some personal discretion) I present Things That Are Totally Awesome:

• Baby Racing
  That’s right. Somewhere out there parents are juicing up their infants and racing them for fun and profit.
• Black-Black
  This caffeinated Japanese chewing gum tastes like hobo-ass, but who cares? Caffeine + Jean-Claude Van Damme + “”HI-TECHNICAL EXCELLENT TASTE AND FLAVOR” = totally awesome. It’s an undisputed mathematical fact.
• Sperm Whales vs Giant Squids
  Somewhere, right now, a giant squid might be fighting a sperm whale! If that possibility doesn’t fill you with wonder then you can’t appreciate true awesomeness.
• Bonetown
  Like many of my generation I’m weary of beating hookers to death and driving into innocent bystanders. Thankfully Bonetown opens up a world of indiscriminate sex and wild drug consumption. About time there was a game more like my life.
• The WoW Pod
  Too long have I pwned noobs without the ability to bring food and a toilet into close proximity for the enhancement of my gaming experience. Well no longer!